The topic chosen by me this month may be debatable. My idea of writing this, somehow, I want people to discuss and think about it from different perspective. I respect all culture and religion and have no intension to hurt anyone’s sentiments.
This word (intimacy) is rarely discussed, if discussed it is judged on the basis of traditions, society values and many ifs and buts. Its also Judged on persons preconceived thoughts and ideas. Many don’t even understand its meaning. Many don’t know how to achieve intimacy with their partner.
It may feel harsh to some, sorry for that … please take a deep breath, inhale and exhale.
As an astrologer and psychologist, for me it is very sad that I see people hiding their desires and are unable to explain their partner the basic need of intimacy.
Let’s understand what it is intimacy in marriage? Very exciting, physical satisfaction, body love, etc. No. The meaning of word “Intimacy” as per various dictionaries can be summed up as “the state of having a close personal relationship with somebody”. When we talk about marriage, that somebody is your other half.
As per my understanding as an astrologer and psychologist, Intimacy in marriage, is compatibility of two minds, due to which they build trust and understanding among themselves. It is private moments between couples, where they give space to each other to talk, for open conversations and even openly discuss their likes and dislikes. Physical intimacy is just end product of it. Without two healthy mind (and interaction between them) achieving satisfaction is not much possible. If you include in ego, resentment, judgement of thoughts and action, achieving healthy private moments is just not possible.
In my professional experience while reading many young client’s horoscope (for match making), I often wait that they will ask me, “The person whom I am going to marry is comparable with regards to intimacy? Will our energies/frequency match with each other? Will he/she be open to me during those intimate private moments?”. Instead, I get questions like “Whether he/she will be doing good in job/work? Will he/she be earning enough/endlessly (sometimes)”? I understand that money, financial stability is important but even for that the two healthy minds should come together and work together. Without understanding each other, how you can achieve common goals. I get questions, whether we will be able to settle aboard, during match making readings. This, I feel is the most embarrassing question for me as astrologer, because it leaves me thinking, new matches don’t even know each other completely and they are ready to settle in an “alien land” / “unfamiliar” territory… They have not even started married life but are ready to take the burden of settling in unknown land.
Coming to my love birds, many might be thinking, “I know this person for years creating intimacy, understanding and trust is very easy. As we are doing now, we can achieve later also”. Sorry to say, but you can’t create environment of marriage till you get married….It’s a reality, you like it or not.. As you decide to get married to your sweetheart, and your marriage date is fixed – from very day families from both sides get involved. No judgment from my side. But situation takes from carefree environment to restricted. This is one of the reasons, why love marriage at times is in trouble. Once families are involved, more responsibilities come i.e., work, career, finances, building a new house, many other things come on to priority plate and less time for intimacy. This often happens in both arrange marriages and love marriage.
What to do now? How to achieve intimacy? If achieved how to maintain it?
First step to understand your own needs. It is not important at first step to understand your partners need, you yourself should know, what gives me happiness and what makes me feel satisfied. As young 21 years old lady, I only knew intimacy is all about honeymoon and happy ending as shown in movies. So sad, I never talked about this and no one came forward to take me out of dreamy land. Understanding your own needs, could be a task. Try to take opinions from experienced people or take professional help. Many think we can sort out by ourself, good, but how? Without proper understanding of marriage/intimacy, how you can sort it out. Talking to experience people, will give you some different perspective, some different point of view, then to analyse your own desire and wish will be easy. At least you could build more practical plan than dreamy fantasy plan.
Second step, talk to your partner, understand his/her point of view, discuss. Whether he/she is comfortable to accommodate your ideas. Whether you are ready to accommodate their ideas. Work over it, if your bond is strong and understanding is deep, achieving comparability becomes very easy. Even in darkest hours you both will be strong, and will help each other. At this point, you start building foundation for intimacy. Giving quality time at this point is very important.
Third step, reading good books and articles. Taking out some time to understand each other’s psychology will be helpful. It will be useful if you could understand each other’s family background. Family background is responsible for shaping a perception of the person. Two people on same page is important in terms of thinking. I am not talking about status and financial stability; one should understand partners family’s values and believes.
Marriage is full of ups and downs. While match making readings, I consider all planets i.e., inner and outer planets. Their aspects, close and wider orbs. As every point is so important in building relationship. Difficulties are nothing but lessons which as couples you learn from each other’s interaction. Every couple go through levels of growth, maturity and transformation. I was reading somewhere, that married couples are karmic partners, they come in our life to teach us something and make a better person. I know moving from comfort zone is difficult, but if we see in light of logic, we are transforming at every stage. Today if people ask, “what is marriage to me, its strong bond of friendship and understanding, where I can say and do anything, without being judged”. Over period of time me and my husband have matured, still we are learning from each other. Still, we have to clear difference and move forward. Intimacy has given us chance to improve our marriage, to grow as persons, to realise where we are limited and where we can expand our understanding.
Couples who are married for ten, fifteen, twenty years etc, they often restrict their intimacy. Number of reasons, common reasons are, they are too busy, they are aging don’t have energy, too many responsibilities. Some restrict themselves from coming close to their partner due to jealously, competition, or revenge. When you restrict yourself, actually you are inviting lots of mental health issues. You, yourself are restricting natural cycle. I am no expert here. You can relive those moments. When I was staying in London, me and my neighbour were just discussing, “What all we did during two-week Good Friday holidays”. He told me,” I took my wife to New York”. My reaction, “What about children, what they did?”. He told, that his parents wanted to spend some me time with their grandchildren, they wanted to have fun without his and wife’s restriction and interference. So, I took opportunity and took my wife, for our own me time. I really appreciated the idea, brilliant work from couple who were married from last 15-20 years. Me and my husband go for lunch dates. Spending time and spending quality time is different. Word of caution, don’t plan these dates to criticize or discuss financial problems etc, plan to appreciate each other. Conversation could start with this, “Other day you folded clothes, thank you I was really tired to do it…. that day you kept my books on shelf thank you.” Include more gratitude rather than blame game it will give new spark to that old married life. Have genuine heart to heart conversation. Try to surprise each other, it can be as small as cooking something which you like/baking a cake, and writing on it, “I love you”. Try to surrender your ego, which is stopping you to come close to your own sweetheart, the person you married.
Intimacy in marriage is all about coming close to your partner, having true conversation and understanding each other. Physical intimacy is end product, you can achieve satisfaction when you, yourself is ready to accept love and receive love. During those moments if you are engrossed in bank statement, children care, how you can achieve any satisfaction. Or just involved in judging each other. Clear your mind first then go for it.
In this article, I have taken issues faced in arrange and love marriage. I have not talked about marriages with emotional and physical abuse. Domestic violence, abusive marriage and in case you are dealing with narcissist person please take professional help who are especially trained in this type of counselling.
Disclaimers:
- This writing is for +21 years adults.
- This writing is only for entertainment purposes no survey, study or research work written or taken.
- Please take what resonates and ignore the rest.
- I respect all religion and culture, no intension to hurt anybody’s sentiments.
- This writing doesn’t encourage abusive behaviour in marriage in any shape or form.
